Illness two ways

I’ve spent two of the last three weeks sick, depressed, crippled with anxiety, or all three. Both physical illnesses have been things with few symptoms other than overpowering fatigue and some nausea. I’ve spent a lot of time laying down listening to podcasts because I’m too tired to be “up” but not tired enough to fall asleep, my brain requiring stimulation even though my body wasn’t capable of doing much.

With the exception of a few good days scattered about, depression has also been kicking my ass lately. Not sure why, but all of a sudden my mood stability has vanished. I have tools and techniques acquired in my long battle with this that help, but it’s so disconcerting when you go from stable to a mental and emotional wreck in a span of hours.

It’s both easier and harder because I homeschool the kids. Easier because we set our own schedule. Harder because every day I’m sick or otherwise disabled I feel like I’m failing the kids. Which of course feeds the depression monkey in a self-hatred loop. Not exactly helpful.

Yesterday the kids and I walked to the library to get books for the kids to read in their free time and materials for a school unit I want to do. By the time we got home I was so tired I just fell in bed until dinner, which thankfully was just leftovers that needed to be reheated. I hate accepting limitations, I’m a very stubborn person, but I have to accept them or things only get worse.

Yesterday we also got confirmation that Maria’s car will need a whole new transmission. The rebuild is estimated at about $2700. I knew this was a very real possibility, and we save aggressively to keep it from being an undue hardship. But it’s still a gut punch. It’s not progress towards our ultimate goals.

Fall is normally my favorite season but it’s sure been shitty this year. I keep doing the work I can and I know I’ll turn the corner.

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7 Comments on “Illness two ways”

  1. envisionhappy.com says:

    Wow, sorry to hear that. I have battled the same symptoms and still do. I don’t have any training in psychology or anything like that but here are a couple of things that have helped me. One – I just force myself to stay busy and not give myself the option to turn down things I know will make me feel better ultimately. For example, its easy for me to say I’m too tired to go on a bike ride, but I have never once gone and later said, “wow I wish I hadn’t done that”. So I just do it and don’t give myself the option not to. Second is that I tend to think too much, like all the time. What if this, what if that. Why didn’t I make a different decision? A light went off when I read Eckhardt Tolle’s book, The Power of Now. It says the same thing a lot of ways, but the key is that everything in the world that has ever happened in the world has happened in the present moment. Don’t think about the past, you can’t change it. And don’t worry too much about the future. Just do what you think is best in this moment. Anyway good luck and I hope things turn. In my experience, everything is cyclical and if I give it long enough it just sort of works out.

    • David says:

      I’ll have to check that book out. Focusing on the now is definitely something I try to do, and many of my favorite authors use that point.

  2. robmunich says:

    Your transmission repair is the main reason I hear againsr buying “used” and I have to admit it’s a good arguement. Anyways didn’t see the post about the car, what make model year is it?

    • David says:

      2000 Honda Accord. According to the shop, 98-04 Honda transmissions have some major design flaws, mainly because of the materials they used for the clutch packs. They do more rebuilds of that age range Honda than all other imports combined.

      I chose this shop because they do rebuilds in-house and will actually upgrade the internals of the transmission.

      For a future car, hopefully we will be in a position to pick up something newer, maybe a “certified pre-owned” car with a known service record. Once you get into 10+ year old cars like I’ve typically bought, it’s hard to know what neglected maintenance items you’re inheriting.

      At the same time, if you can put up with the hassle, it’s still drastically cheaper to buy old cars and repair them as-needed. I have owned a car since 16 and two cars since 22. We have spent less on all the cars and repairs than a mid-range new car costs just to purchase, let alone insure, service debt, maintain, etc. Rough estimate of $30K over 16 years?

      • robmunich says:

        I live in Germany so my situation is a touch different but I tend to look for “gently used” out of favour cars (Germans tend to dislike Non German brands) typically less than a year old rentals. With luck you can get an almost new car at a substantial discount. Then drive them as long as possible, done this with 3 cars and it’s worked out quite well.

        Andrew Halman devotes the first chapter of his book Millionaire Teacher to buying a fully depreciated car. That is one that you can buy drive for a year or two and then sell it for what you paid for it.

      • David says:

        Yeah, different markets need different strategies. I didn’t realize Millionaire Teacher had a book though, to be honest, I read very little in the personal finance/FI space anymore.

      • robmunich says:

        Just realized I can follow comments via word press. even updated my Gravator!
        Anyways I’m the same way, don’t tead much there any more. I recommend his book only if someone is new semi interested. Good book not to heavy, easy to read.


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